Somewhere Out There
by Skittles1
Summary: Songfic. What Hotohori is thinking after Nuriko's death, flashbacks to a few of their encounters, and of feelings he discovered for the purple-haired senshi.


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Author's Note: A one-shot songfic. It takes place after Nuriko's death so, obviously, there are spoilers. I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the song "Somewhere Out There" by Our Lady Peace. Shounen ai. Please read and review!

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This means flash back.

This means normal text of Hotohori.

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~..*..~ Somewhere Out There ~..*..~

By: Lauren

Hotohori let out a shaky breath as he ran his clammy hands over his face and through his chestnut hair. A sliver of pale moonlight broke through the tiny crack in his door. He glared at it, trying to focus his attention and thoughts on something else. Something other than..._him._ The regal emperor's eyes trailed up the moonbeam and they landed where his door was pulled open only an inch wide. Standing up tall, he walked over to it and gripped the door handle in his trembling hands. He wanted to slam it shut- to close the door on his doubts and his heartache- but the moonlight seemed to beckon him- to call him out into the open. If his advisors saw him like this, he'd never live it down. They would question him, laugh at him, and if they knew the truth- they'd probably kill him.

It was obvious how he felt. The steady stream of hot tears that cascaded down his cold cheeks was telltale enough. Or maybe it was the way his royal robes were crinkled and stained with the drink he has spilled on them when he felt it happen or how his hair was messy and uncombed. Either way, they would know, and they would question.

They would question why the death of the Suzaku no Senshi Nuriko tore him apart so badly.

Hotohori's mind wandered to before it happened. To before they had left and he was forced to stay.

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Hotohori sighed as he paced across his room, his eyebrows creased together in a furrow. He heard that the other Suzaku warriors were to be leaving soon and his heart was filled with frustration as he realized he could not come along. He wanted so badly to be there- to protect Miaka, his priestess- the woman he loved.

He paused, mid-step, as a timid knock reached his ears. Turning around, he noticed a pair of violet orbs gazing into his room from his now-open door.

"Yes Nuriko?" Hotohori pressed a hand to his forehead, not wanting to deal with the 'cross dresser' who supposedly had a 'crush' on him. When his advisors had heard Nuriko was a male and was in his majesty's harem, they wanted nothing more than to put him to death, but of course, they had to resist for he was needed to call upon Suzaku. 

Only now, when it was too late, did Hotohori regret not getting to know the boy more.

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"I brought you some tea." Nuriko smiled warmly, his body a strange mix between being tense and being relaxed. "I thought it might help to calm your nerves..." He trailed off, setting a tray with a teapot and cup down on an oak table that sat near Hotohori's bed.

"Thank you." Hotohori politely replied, finally letting a bit of a strained smile grace his features. 

"It's no problem." Nuriko blushed, a rose tint of color lighting up his cheeks. A few minutes passed where both men stood there uncomfortably, fidgeting slightly as neither knew what to do. 

Hotohori poured himself a cup of tea and sipped it. "Would you like some?" He offered the purple-haired boy.

Nuriko shook his head no but it seemed to Hotohori that he was having some kind of internal battle. Finally, Nuriko opened his mouth. "Don't worry about Miaka. Tamahome is sure to protect her and you know I won't let a thing happen to her."

Hotohori nodded, taking in his words of comfort. "I know..." He murmured, his mind wandering to the bouncy girl from another world.

Nuriko seemed to let out a silent sigh before he pursed his lips. "Hotohori...I mean...well...I know Miaka loves Tamahome and he loves her back...and that you love her also...but...there's someone out there for you. Even if you don't see it now or find that person just yet, you will...one day. Just don't give up faith..." 

Hotohori took in his words and strangely...he felt as if a great weight had somehow been lifted off of his shoulders. He let out a shaky breath.

Nuriko put on a lopsided smile. "When you least expect it...and when you stop looking...that's when you'll find them..."

~*~

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Last time I talked to you  
You were lonely and out of place  
You were looking down on me  
Lost out in space

~*~

Hotohori let the memory slip away as he stepped out into the empty hallway, letting the night air rush to freeze his tears to his face. Only now did he realize that when Nuriko had visited him only a few nights ago...when he had comforted his worries and fears- when he had helped him let go of Miaka- he had never specified on the gender of Hotohori's love. Nuriko had said _them_, not him or her...because it didn't matter. Only now did Hotohori realize this.

If Nuriko were still here...somehow...he would have screamed at his advisors...he would have fought for Nuriko till no end.

What was so wrong with it?

What was so wrong with love?

Why couldn't the two come out?

Why did the world have to be so cruel and judgmental?

Love was love- nothing more and nothing less.

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"Hotohori...do you believe in fate?" Nuriko peered at Hotohori, his eyes sparkling in the light of the rising sun. They were both sitting in the royal garden, surrounded by thousands of rainbow colored flowers. 

"I suppose I do." Hotohori answered, thinking deeply about the question. "If it wasn't for fate...then how did we all end up here, together? How did Miaka come here? It was fate that she was brought into Tamahome's hands and then to my home." 

Nuriko took in Hotohori's answer, his head bobbing slightly. Hesitantly, he asked, "Then do you think it was fate I ended up in YOUR harem?"

Hotohori blinked in surprise. "I...I guess so..." He stammered.

~*~

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We laid underneath the stars  
Strung out and feeling brave  
I watched the red orange glow  
I watched you float away

~*~

Running his hands through his tangled hair once again, Hotohori let his elbows rest on the hallway railing. His eyes wandered upward, traveling towards the source of the moonbeam. Above him, like a giant pearl, the moon shone brightly down on him. All around the moon the sky was a velvet black blanket but tiny diamonds- stars- held it up in place. 

If only he could have been there. If only he could have been able to save him.

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The words of his advisors ran on and on, going in one ear and out the other. Hotohori's mind was elsewhere at the moment. It was pondering how the others were doing...and questioning this new, strange feeling he was gaining. Why did he keep thinking of Nuriko? And the night before he had left? Why? Why did it irritate him that he had not said something more to Nuriko?

Standing up, Hotohori dismissed his advisors and wandered back into his room. 

He was about to change out of his royal garments when it happened...

It was **horrible. **

Hotohori prayed that he would **never** have to experience it **ever **again.

It felt as if part of his soul was being torn out. It felt as if his heart was being ripped apart, thrown on the floor and then stomped on.

It hurt. Bad.

~*~

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Down here in the atmosphere  
Garbage and city lights  
You've gone to save your tired soul  
You've gone to save our lives

~*~

He wasn't quite sure how he knew...but Nuriko had died. Somehow...someway...he knew that the **one **person he had **truly **come to love...was dead...

And now Hotohori stood here in the hallway, alone, cold and broken.

His eyes scanned the stars, trying to gain some condolence from the heavenly beings above but did they pity the pains of mere mortals and bend down to comfort them? 

No.

Hotohori sucked in a sharp breath as he realized what he was looking at. It was Nuriko's constellation.

~*~

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I turned on the radio  
To find you on satellite  
I'm waiting for this sky to fall  
I'm waiting for a sign  
All we are  
Is all so far

~*~

Even though he expected the sight of Nuriko's constellation to heighten his pain, it actually did the exact opposite. It seemed to give him some kind of hidden comfort and strength. Hotohori could only stand there- the cold night air nipping at his skin- his tears paused for the moment- his eyes locked on the glowing furry of stars that made the constellation of the one he loved.

Love. It was such a funny thing and...Nuriko had been correct about it.

The moment Hotohori had stopped looking for love, it had found him.

It had knocked him down on his rear end. It had been there, right in front of him the whole entire time. How had he not seen it? Was it because of how much the world would have opposed their relationship? Was it because he was frightened of his feelings?

Whatever it was, he regretted it now. It was too late to tell Nuriko of his feelings, at least, face to face. It was funny how things worked out. All along Miaka had held Hotohori's broken heart in her hands while...unknown to him...Hotohori had held Nuriko's broken heart in his. Guilt tore at him.

~*~

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You're falling back to me  
You're a star that I can see  
I know you're out there  
Somewhere out there  
You're falling out of reach  
Defying gravity  
I know you're out there  
Somewhere out there

~*~

But it was too late to regret things now. It was futile and stupid. Hotohori could only cry in his grief as his mind gathered up his memories of the purple haired boy. 

He knew his advisers would want him to marry soon for they had been pushing it a lot lately. It was his duty to produce a heir for his throne. Even if it wasn't true love...Hotohori decided he would learn to care and love the woman who would be his wife. Little did he know that the woman he would chose looked so much like Nuriko and had, in fact, been dear friends with Nuriko also.

But those things he would worry about in the future. All he knew at the moment was the heartbreak he felt- the yearning for the one thing he had lost. The one thing that meant everything to him.

At that very moment, Hotohori made a deal with himself. He decided he would wait for Nuriko. He would wait all eternity for the person he loved to return to him. Even if he died, he knew, one day, somehow, they would meet again in another life.

~*~

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Hope you remember me  
When you're homesick   
and need a change  
I miss your purple hair...

I know you'll come back someday  
On a bed of nails I'll wait  
I'm praying that you don't burn out  
Or fade away.

All we are  
Is all so far

~*~

Maybe when they met again, the world would be kinder to accept their feelings.

Maybe he would be able to realize them sooner and be able to confess them to Nuriko.

Maybe Nuriko would return his feelings...a second time.

Suddenly...Nuriko's constellation seemed to glow brighter that night than it normally did and Hotohori felt much better with the hope those stars had given him.

He knew they would meet again.

He knew Nuriko was somewhere out there, still waiting patiently for him.

~*~

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You're falling back to me  
You're a star that I can see  
I know you're out there  
Somewhere out there...


End file.
